Exploring Doms And Subs

In your general BDSM Kink and Role Play there are Doms And Subs and each has an equally important role in the relationship. There are exceptions to this, though this is a little more advanced.

Difference between Doms And Subs

On a basic level the dominant (dom) has control over a submissive (sub).

In Fifty Shades, Christian is the Dom, and Anna is the sub.  Of course, we must point out, that these roles are completely gender fluid.  By that we mean, that it is perfectly suitable to a female dominant and a male submissive.  Indeed, this kind of role is especially useful for chastity.

These roles may also be mistakenly referred to as a top and a bottom.  Though personally I don’t like using these two terms for two different reasons. Firstly, identifying as a gay male, top and bottom have a different identification within queer men.  And a Dominant may still be a bottom, and a submissive may still be a top.  In queer language a top is someone who gives (the one who penetrates) and a bottom is someone who receives (the one who is penetrated).

Secondly, we can take the gender identification out of this. A dominant or submissive refers to the authority being given.  Dominant makes decisions as to the type of play, how long the play is, and what’s going to happen in the play.  A top is someone who gives the play or the action.

Consider these types of situations.

Two Person: A dominant (Top) slaps the submissive (bottom) with a paddle.

Situation 2. Three Person: The dominant (Person A) of the submissive (Person B) allows and orders the top (Person C) to hit the bottom (Person B) with a paddle.

Situation 3.  A Top (Person A) slaps a bottom (person b) with a paddle.

Doms And Subs
A dominant

In this explanation, a dominant is referred to as the person in authority and involves a power exchange.  A top is referred to as the active person or the person doing the action.

  • In situation 1 and 2, there is a dominant.  This dominant has a power play and a level of authority over the submissive.
  • In situation two, the dominant allows someone else an action within the scene, this third person is a top. The top has no authority over the submissive, but simply plays with them.
  • In the third situation, there is no power exchange, therefore there is no dominant or submissive

Dominance and Submission is actually one of the Acronyms of BDSM which are BD, DS, and SM.

It’s actually pretty common for the idea of sex and power to be thrown together and mixed in our culture.  Commonly, in romance fiction and popular culture which concerns relationships and sex, the situation involves one person being rescued from a situation or peril that they find themselves in by someone more powerful than them.  Think almost every single Disney film or romantic comedy.  Dominance and Submission also needs to be separated from physical play such as bondage, discipline, spanking and other activities.  As dominance and submission is about power play, an exchange of power as opposed to anything physical.

What to Consider Beforehand

One of the most important things to consider when it comes to being a dominant or a submissive, is that it’s primarily about the energy between two consensual partners.  A dominant not only provides a leading and guiding role, but also the role of the protector of the submissive.

A submissive is the servant who pleases and works towards pleasing the dominant. Most dominants and submissive’s limit their play to the bedroom or to sexual activity.  But there are partners who take this further into the world outside of their sexual play.

If you’re still a little confused – check out the list below of the types of dominant roles in kink and submissive roles in this handy list.

Role Of A Dominant

  1. Taking responsibilities within the relationship.
  2. Being in Control.
  3. Prioritizing their desires and choices.
  4. Performing Duties to their submissive partner.
  5. Demanding compliance and obedience.

Role Of A Submissive

  1. Ensuring that the desires of their dominant come first.
  2. Accepting to be controlled.
  3. Expressing the desire to please their dominant.

These elements are achieved through such things as honest communication, realistic expectations, enjoyable rules, patience and sensitivity from both partners.

exploring doms and subs
Dominant Submissive

Not Sure What Role is For You?

If you’re not sure what kind of role you are, then that’s perfectly okay and nothing to worry about in the slightest. Maybe check out a BDSM guide for beginners to give you a better idea.

Sometimes, working out what you are and what you prefer to identify as, centres on experimentation. Perhaps you might think that you’re best suited as a dominant since you are so domineering in other aspects of your life.  But when you go to try it out, you much prefer relinquishing control as opposed to being in control.  That’s perfectly okay and doesn’t need to cause any concern!

It’s also absolutely acceptable for you to evolve, grow and shift.

A third type of person in BDSM and kink play is a switch.  A switch may become a dominant or submissive, depending on the situation. They might switch with the same partner, or they may be a dominant with one play partner, and a submissive with a different partner.  Choices and flow, are entirely up to the individual and the context.